Dear White Crane:
I read the article "Hyacinthine Love: Some Thoughts on Cock-Rubbing and the Tyranny of Butt-Fucking" (WCJ #43, Winter 1999). I can understand where Bill Weintraub is coming from, but I have a different point of view.
It is wonderful that he can enjoy rubbing his cock together with another man's and that that brings him great pleasure. But I am a bottom man, and deeply enjoy that. For me, there is an intense and deeply satifsying pleasure in feeling another man get on top of me, and penetrate me, feeling his hard cock sliding in and out of me, hitting my prostrate and driving me to ecstasy. It is a deeply pleasurable experience for me. There is no 'surrender' for me, and I am not the 'female', nor am I 'aping' the heterosexuals. There are many straight couples who enjoy anal sex, and some women do derive a lot of pleasure from 'back door' sex. Are they then aping gay sex?
To me, it is not about conquering and submission, though some men do indeed enjoy surrendering to another man, and some men do enjoy the fantasy of being the conqueror, of taking control in sex. The problem, for me, is that we must constantly be compared to straights. What two men do in bed together does not need to be compared to straights, or judged by the standards of heterosexual sex practices. There are many gay men who do enjoy being a bottom, but there are also gays who have never had anal sex. I have met gay men who enjoy oral sex alone, and some who are more into mutual masturbation. If both partners are enjoying the experience, then that is what makes it special for them. It does not matter if the sex is oral, anal, or other variations of male-male bodily contact. It is the enjoyment derived from the experience that makes it special.
I didn't get into getting fucked because of 'societal tyranny' nor because of pressure from other men. Yes, I did indeed encounter men who wanted very much to fuck me, and I enjoyed it. Yes, it did hurt the first time, but it was also deeply pleasurable. I admit, it felt a bit forbidden at first, but I always enjoyed it. It was something I wanted to do. But it was always best when there was love-making involved, kissing and touching and mutual explorations of one another's bodies.
I am a bear and enjoy the erotic thrills of exploring another man's hairy body, of cuddling and kissing and tasting one another. But there is also a deep pleasure from feeling another man mount me and make love to me through the highly enjoyable act of fucking. I also enjoy eating another man's butt. That is definitely enjoyable to me, and not because another man pressures me into it, it is because I want to do it. I enjoy the clean, musky taste of another man's body. That is a very personal disclosure, and I admit it to the world. I can understand, and respect, that fucking is not for all gay men. Some men don't enjoy it, and for them, maybe it shouldn't be part of their lovemaking. That is fine. I am 'tolerant' of that, but to me, what other men do in bed isn't really my concern. Some men have a smaller anus than others, and perhaps, for them, getting fucked is not an enjoyable act. But for me, it is highly pleasurable.
The AIDS epidemic is not the end for anal sex, either. Condoms can make the experience safe, and not detract from the enjoyment of it in any way. Some men have found condoms to be erotic, and have learned to make using them a fun part of the sexual act. And while some are quick to blame anal sex for the spread of AIDS, we should not forget that it is equally transmissable from good old fashioned heterosexual intercourse and that has not diminished for one second the pleasure a man and a woman feel when making love.
Sex is a many splendored thing. I don't think that 'butt-fucking' need be the defining or 'ultimate' sex act for gay men. Or any other specific sex act for that matter. To me, the ultimate act is making love with a man, and doing what is right for both partners. Taking another man into your arms and mutually pleasuring one another, and exploring each other's bodies in ways that satisfy both men is the ultimate sex act. Those who obsess on getting one thing in sex and bypass the love-making for a quick trick, are missing out on the joys of the erotic sidedishes along the way. To me, sex is a buffet of pleasures, and a definite 'all-you-can-eat experience'. There are many different choices on the menu. For me, that includes getting fucked. If that doesn't appeal to some others, that is fine. We should all do what we enjoy doing, and have fun doing it. To do any less would be to deny ourselves the right to enjoy pleasure.
Andrew Siliar Brooks
Bill Weintraub responds in WCJ #46