The Gay Jewish-Asian Thing
This is a companion essay with "Confessions of a Kosher Rice Queen"
I think Jewish men are hot. I’m not quite sure why this is so. Nothing in my background would seem to predict this. I’m not Jewish myself; in fact, I’m a Gay-Asian-American guy. None of my boyfriends, past or present, have been Jewish. I grew up in California in a Roman Catholic working-class town. With the exception of two years on the Upper West Side, I have pretty much lived, worked, and hung out in predominantly Christian environments.
And yet, I think Jewish men are hot. Over the last year or so, I’ve hooked up with at least half a dozen Gay Jewish guys. I don’t have an account on Gayjews.com. I don’t hang out at Jewcy events. I don’t attend services at Congregation Beth Simchat Torah, at least not on a regular basis. But I keep on meeting and having really great sex with Jewish guys, and I no longer think this is just a coincidence.
I’ve been told there’s a Jewish-Asian thing in the straight world. I’m not just talking about Jews going to Chinese restaurants on Christmas Day in Manhattan, or the rapidly growing Buddhist-Jewish (Bu-Jew) movement. I’m talking about full-fledged Jewish-Asian relationships, and there are a lot of them out there. My brother is married to a Jewish woman, and the sister of one of my Jewish fuck buddies is married to an Asian man. Mere coincidence? I don’t think so.
There’s definitely a Jewish-Asian thing going on in the Gay world as well, even though I haven’t read very much about this in the queer press. The Gay Asian American actor B.D. Wong has a Jewish boyfriend. A number of my Gay and Lesbian Asian American friends have Jewish partners or play buddies. I’ve noticed that a higher-than-average number of my Jewish fuck buddies like Asian guys. And I mean really like Asian guys.
In the Gay world, there are labels for people who have certain types. Rice queens are white guys who like Asian men. Potato queens are Asian men who like white guys. Sticky rice queens are Asian men who like other Asian men. I suppose if I’m anything at this point in my sexual journey, it would be a Matzoh queen, although I have slept with guys from the entire spectrum of the rainbow coalition.
I’ve met my Jewish fuck buddies in all kinds of places. Some guys I’ve met through online services like Gay.com or m4m4sex.com. One guy I met at a four-way orgy. Another I met at a jerk-off party. Still another I met at an erotic massage workshop. And I’ve probably played with a lot of other Jewish guys, but I never knew it because we were too busy doing other things than talking.
There are some interesting patterns that I’ve noticed, beyond the obvious fact that all of my Jewish play buddies are cut and I’m not. Most of them have hairy chests and legs, which is hot. Most are into jerking off, kissing, and nipple play, which is also hot. Most are around my height or a little taller. Most are in their thirties. Most have nice bodies and unfounded anxieties about their dick size, but I think that may just be a guy thing. More are bottoms than tops. And most like sex. A lot.
But I suspect my attraction to Jewish guys is deeper than just the physical and the sexual aspects. For one, there is the intellectual component. I’ve learned that at least five of my Jewish play buddies are lawyers, which is an interesting pattern but not terribly surprising, since I do think that smart boys are sexy. (Come to think of it, I had an intense but nonsexual relationship with a Gay Jewish law student some years ago.)
There is also the “family values” component. As a Gay Asian American man, I can relate to the loving but complicated relationships that a lot of Gay Jewish guys have with their biological families and, in particular, their mothers. I’ve come to realize that guilt transcends all ethnic boundaries, which, in a way, is rather refreshing.
And then there are the ambivalent feelings that Gay Jews and Gay Asians have with the larger Gay community. Although there are a lot of us in the larger Gay community, especially in urban areas such as New York City, I think many of us feel like outsiders or out of place because of our distinct ethnic, cultural, and religious identities. Neither of us fully “belong” to the A&F or Chelsea-boy worlds in which we inhabit.
But most of all, there is the spiritual component. There is something within me that deeply resonates with Jewish faith and ritual practices. Over the last few years, I have come to learn a lot about rabbinic Judaism, and not just through my fuck buddies. One of my friends is a rabbi in the conservative movement, and we’ve spent hours talking about everything from feminist midrash to parve desserts to anti-Semitism in The Passion.
There is also something deeply moving to me about the longing for G-d in the Jewish spiritual tradition and the erotic longing for our sexual partners. I’ve tasted this longing in a number of ways, whether it’s attending Shabbat services at BJ, or chanting the Shalom Aleikhem and washing my hands before the b’rakhah over bread, or participating in Kol Nidre services, or making out with a cute Jewish guy.
I’m not sure what this all means. Maybe this means that I can’t separate the sexual from the spiritual. Maybe I’m just a slut, both sexually and spiritually. But I do know that Jewish men are hot.
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The author lives in New York City. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.